Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Traditional Marriage for Ants

So, J is truly on one this week. Today we discovered an ant wandering in our kitchen. Needless to say it was a MAJOR source of excitement and entertainment -- poor ant. I'm sure it was just trying to make its way across the vast wilderness of tile when it was encountered by a 4 year-old and 3 year-old. Let's just say, the end was not pretty.

After the demise of said ant, my son asked what kind of ant it was? I told him it was a queen because it had wings. Of course we then embarked on a discussion of queen ants and how come there aren't king ants, and how is it the queens can lay eggs if they're not married to king ants?

I tried to explain that ants are different from people and they do not live by the "marriage is between one man and one woman" rule. With an incredulous look upon his face, J said, "No, that's not true Mom because I have seen teeny tiny temples for ants!"

Do you think in ant temples the queens are reprimanded for treating their males as nothing more than "workers" to be used and discarded at will? Maybe PETA should look into this.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Hello, I'm God

Having a four year-old son is a little bit like living with someone with multiple personality disorder. They are constantly trying out new identities, and it can be difficult to keep up. Case in point, a while ago at breakfast I had the following conversation:

(The breakfast table was loud, as usual, so it made it difficult to hear what was being said at first)

Son: (Looking at me, but speaking with a mouthful of cereal) "I'm God"

Me: (Not knowing if I heard correctly, since it's not one of the usual Superheroes he usually claims to be.) "Who?"

Son: "You know, God. That dude who lives up in Heaven!"

I tried to maintain my composure in order to further the conversation, but I had to smile at God being referred to as, "that dude."

Me: "Okay, well what does that mean? What does God do?"

Son: "You know, He reminds people He loves them."

Out of the mouth of babes. What more can I say? Maybe we should all pretend to be God!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Decorating Tips From a Nine Year-Old

A came up to me and said she had a decorating suggestion which she came up with all by herself. She said, "Mom, you know those funny balls people have in bowls in their houses? You know, the ones that you can't touch or play with and they're made out of funny sticks and things?"

I replied that I did indeed know the balls to which she was referring.

"Well, I think we should make popcorn balls and put them in a bowl on our mantle instead. That way they'll look good, smell good and you can actually do something with them, like eat them."

So, world, if you want to decorate your home in order to please children, utilizing popcorn balls, which would definitely be more affordable and enjoyable, would be the way to go.

Apparently Reptiles Need Reminding...

Tonight, when asked to say the prayer, four year-old J said the following:

"Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. Please bless the reptiles at the zoo so they can follow God's rules. Please bless the sacrament, to be safe (from all the people sneezing of course). Please bless Dad to kill the monsters. Bless the troops. Bless the brethren to be strong and brave. Bless those who die. Thank you for our food. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

How cute is that? I would love to go to the zoo tomorrow and see the way in which the reptiles are now following God's rules better because you KNOW the prayer of a four year-old rings loudly in the halls of Heaven. What a kid!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Jimmy Carter -- Mysologist

Last night I found out I'm a racist. According to former President Jimmy Carter, my objections to out-of-control spending, a government takeover of health care, and a lack of willingness to make a decision about Afghanistan while our soldiers are dying, are not due to my personal convictions and beliefs, but can be boiled down to race. I thank the former President for clarifying my beliefs. Here I had the audacity to believe I was actually thinking for myself -- reading columns, listening to interviews, skimming bills, and forming opinions. Apparently, however, I was wrong. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact I feel like our country is moving in the wrong direction and that I would like my elected representatives to reflect my beliefs. It is nothing more than my DNA reacting to the DNA of somebody else. Thank goodness for people like Jimmy Carter who can so clearly point this out and make sense of it all. Now I don't have to think anymore. I can just go back to shootin' clay pigeons out the back of my pick-up truck, while pregnant with my upteenth child. That certainly wouldn't be a racist thing to do.

Does this also make me a misogynist because I disagree with Nancy Pelosi? Or perhaps I'm misanthropic (the closest word I could find to "hating one's own people) because I disagree with Harry Reid and his policies in the Senate? Since I'm LDS and so is he, maybe that means I hate my own people.

Wow, thank you President Carter. You saved me from a lot of stress and intellectual strain.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Sydney, once again, is surprising me. Up to now, she has been the "little princess" of our home. She loves anything and everything pink. She actually wants and plays with the dreaded Barbies. She loves to wear dresses and be as girly as can be. And yet, a new side is showing up -- a competitive, athletic side. So far, in her first two soccer games, she has scored a total of 13 goals! Now granted she plays on a small field with just a few girls, but still, the girl in an animal!

At practice yesterday I offered to give the girls a water break. All of them were relieved but Sydney who said, "No! No water break! Let's run to the fence (about 50 yards away) and back!" A few of the girls started to run with her but pooped out and quit. Sydney, however, ran the entire way and, upon returning said, "Let's keep playing!"

Last night she asked me if I wanted her to "win the game" again by scoring lots of goals. When I told her I did, she got this really excited look on her face and could hardly go to sleep because she was so excited to play her game today! It's pretty fun to see this side of her. Who knew?

Friday, March 27, 2009


What I think went through Paige's mind when she woke up Thursday:

Hmmm...sometime today I absolutely want to use Avery's red nail polish. I love it and I will have it. The problem is Mom. I know she won't let me have it because she thinks I'm not big enough. Ha! I draw beautiful pictures on the walls and have even made circles so I don't understand what Mom is thinking! She is going to be a problem though so I'm going to have to think of something.

(laughs deviously) I've got it!!! I will distract Mom by taking the pistachios and putting them all down the kitchen heating vent -- which I just figured out how to take off!!! Perfect!!! She'll be so busy trying to get those darn things out of there that she won't notice me climb up the shelf, get the polish and sneak into her room to make myself look beautiful!

Of course, now that I think about it, I don't just want to paint my nails, the color is too pretty! I absolutely need to cover, and I mean cover, my hands and feet and maybe my lower legs for good measure. Red is soooo my color and I really need to play it up. Come to think of it, Cooper's bed could use a little decoration so I'll just add some there, too. And maybe a little on Mom's walls because I know she likes red, too.

It's going to be a great day! Can't wait to get started!